2 years

Well, it is hard for me to believe that it has been 2 years (Friday) since my brother Tim passed. I still at times am stopped suddenly by the thought that he is gone, and I wonder if that will ever change. My intent, though, is not to wallow in sadness, but instead to simply acknowledge the day, because I would never want him to think he is forgotten.

Despite his failing health in later years, I will always try to remember him as he is in this picture. Mom said I was scared of the photographer, and was crying, so Tim put his arm around me to comfort me. Because he continued after that to be the one person to whom I could tell my silliest fears, and always receive assurance that everything was ok, I choose to think, though at times it is a challenge, that somehow he has his reassuring arm around me even now.

Remember when

I saw the following on my friend Jennie's blog and thought it seemed fun and interesting, so I participated. Now it’s my turn to see what memories you have of me.

It’s game time! Here’s how to play…

1. As a comment on my blog, leave a memory that you have of me. It doesn’t matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember!

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see who leaves a memory about you.

5 good things

Because a good friend, and one of the people I admire most posted a list of 5 good things, and because it hit me that no matter how bad you feel about things, there are at least 5 good things, I've decided to break my trend of not posting:

1. My family - My parents, siblings, nephews and niece.

2. My friends - The people who know that the times you aren't real fun to be around won't last forever, and let you know it too. You know who you are.

3. Big shiny new Macs.

4. Sunshine.

5. Modern technology.

Reconsidering

OK, will you guys think badly of me if I decide NOT to do Stride & Ride this year? The thing is, every time I think about it, I have this horrible sense of dread. Those of you who know me well know that while I'm quick with a smile, I'm not real keen on sharing my emotions with most people, so when I think of going to Stride & Ride, I think of the inevitable condolences and inquiries that I will face, and I'm not sure I'm at a place where I can smile my way through that. And I know that you guys would be there to support me, but I think I need a year of healing... does that make sense? When it occurred to me that I don't HAVE to do it this year, I felt this huge sense of relief, so I think I'm not going to do it. I hope that doesn't make me weak, and maybe I'll feel differently after the holidays, but for now that's where I am.

absence makes the heart go fonder... ?

Hi gang. I know it has been forever since I posted. I just haven't been able to make myself do it, but I have a bit of business to take care of and decided the best way to get started again is just do it.

I have been debating whether or not to do Stride & Ride this year... I've been worried that it will be really hard after just losing Tim, but there is no better reason to do it than his loss, so I will be there, and I would appreciate the attendance of any of you who are interested.

It is February 9th this year, and it will be at the UALR track & field building, which will allow for a later start time than normal - right now they are saying 10 am. More details will follow.

Please let me know if you are interested.

My brother's birthday.

I haven't posted in a while, and might not for a while, but Monday August the 6th would have been Tim's 41st birthday, and I think he deserved so many posts that I didn't make soon enough.

I miss him more than I expected even. We argued like all brothers and sisters but he was always sweet and supportive to me in everything I did and he was always nicer to me than I was to him. That is something I'll regret forever. He taught me what it is to be happy with what you're given; something I have yet to master. He was the bravest, strongest (in the ways that matter) man I have ever met, and I am who I am because he was my brother.

Happy Birthday, Tim.

8 random thoughts inspired by Stephanie

1. My first thought when starting this list was, “I don’t have 8 thoughts left.” I just got home from work.
2. I don’t understand why one person who I’ve been my best self for can’t ever say, “I’m happy for you,” or “you deserve to be happy.” And why do I care?
3. I find myself grinning a lot lately.
4. My bus driver yesterday tried to hit on me. EEEWWW. Talk about a LONG ride home.
5. I got my first manicure last week, and I enjoyed it but it didn’t rock my world.
6. One of my nephews had kidney trouble last week, and while thinking about it, I realized I would give up a kidney for any of them. It wasn’t that serious (thank God) but it was enlightening to realize how much I love them.
7. I finally started Sudoku and I LOVE it.
8. The disability rights resources in Arkansas are inadequate to say the least.

Bonus thought: I will try to be more positive soon.